Since so many people seem to be at loose ends tonight due to the postponed Twins game – boy, are WE out of practice! – I decided to go ahead and share the next installment: commandments 8 & 9.
8. Thou shalt know thy limits.
Special Note: This commandment was written BEFORE some of the fans in Philly lost their minds but I would like to offer their absolute lack of intelligent outcomes as proof of concept. The girls over at Babes Love Baseball once again covered my feelings on that particular failing quite well.
Perhaps this would be more clearly understood if it said “thou shalt limit thy drunken misbehavior.” However, that in itself seems to be an unrealistic expectation. Once you are already too drunk to know any better, you aren’t going to remember any of the commandments unless overwhelming respect for others is a part of your everyday makeup.
So, we’re back to KNOW YOUR LIMITS! Please, if you like them and it’s legal for you, feel free to enjoy an adult beverage with whatever ballpark delectable you found on the concourse!!! And boy, are the ballparks really doing it up with the good food these days. Not only that but they are doing a great job with the options of adult beverages too! But pace yourself. No, we don’t want to see you jump in front of the guy four seats over from you who just showed up on the jumbotron camera. No, we don’t want to hear slurred opinions shouted at the umpire an inning and a half after the play. And Good GOD NO, we don’t want to see your naked ass streaking across the Outfield. Do security a favor and don’t torture them with the painful sprint and the even more painful thought about where to safely grab you in an attempt to curb your misplaced enthusiasm. That goes for all you guys too.
9. Thou shalt dress appropriately.
Guys, I think we can almost leave you out of this one entirely. For all your stereotypical lack of fashion sense in more unfamiliar occasions, as a general rule, you all seem to know how to dress to attend a baseball game. Frequently, your date or companion is another story.
Girls, please understand that according to #2, other fans are there to see the GAME not you. We appreciate it if you add to the general atmosphere rather than detract from it BUT it is not appropriate at any time for you to DISTRACT from it.
First, if the heels are so high that you walk carefully when crossing the parking lot, you are going to look ridiculous attempting to make your way down the stairs going to your row and we aren’t going to even talk about the damage those spikes will do to the toes you will accidentally step on as you move in front of people to get to your seat. Please, choose footwear that is appropriate to the terrain and hopefully the rest of your outfit.
Second, I’m going to say this politely, STADIUM SEATING! That means that there are people above you looking down and people below you looking up. If your neckline is so low we can see your navel, don’t wear it to the ballpark. If your skirt is so short that you can’t bend over without showing cheek dimples, don’t wear it to the ballpark. The guy in the row in front of you may be thrilled with the free panty show (I hope) you provide when he turns to look for a vendor but his wife doesn’t. Besides, we’re really doing you a favor with this warning: we’re talking plastic ballpark seats and sweat – it would be nice if you didn’t leave all the skin on the back of your legs behind when you get up to leave.
Thirdly, clothing that fits is preferable. There was one entire season where KL and I dealt with another season ticket holder in the row in front of us who could not find a way to make her shirt and jeans come together when she was standing up much less when she sat down. And the underwear joke above was more serious than you want to know – she never wore any. That season involved more butt crack than a plumbers’ convention.
Lastly, just as a general commentary on life at the ballpark, I personally will never appear in team wear that is not in team colors. However, I do not necessarily fault those who want to wear the cute little team t-shirt in pink – as long as it follows the above directions! If you are making the effort to dress in team wear, whatever the color, for your trip to the ballpark, I commend the effort.
Guys, if the girl you are with is breaking this commandment, you really need to consider if the situation is due to lack of baseball knowledge or lack of ballpark experience. In which case, you should assist in her education. If it is simply a matter of she wants to advertise the goods to everyone else at the park in addition to you, perhaps she’s not quite the girl to take to a game.